


The things we could have been

by Pampermousse



Category: Justified
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 17:12:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5425184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pampermousse/pseuds/Pampermousse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Goes AU after 6x10. Boyd and Raylan - work through some issues like semi-functioning adults.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The things we could have been

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ElDiablito_SF](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElDiablito_SF/gifts).



> Dear Yuletide recipient - I hope you like this. I was thrilled to be able to do a Raylan/Boyd story as I have wanted to for so long and I have a deep and obsessive love of Justified. It got kind of sad - but I just don't see any other type of ending for these two. Enjoy!

Boyd is looking out of the window in that deep-thought-don’t-give-a-shit way he has. Even with a bullet wound he manages to be a fucking pain in the ass. Raylan resists the ever-present urge to punch him in the face. More acute now than ever before. He keeps himself within the speed limit, trying to focus his mind.

“You know, when we were driving to meet you, Ava started reminiscing.”

Boyd turns his head to look at him in that careful way of his.

“Yeah, those good old days. You remember?”

“I can’t say I do.” Boyd says in a low voice and Raylan knows that tone, knows it’s telling him to watch what he says next. Even though he’s handcuffed and wounded he still thinks he can give out wordless threats. That shit used to amuse Raylan as recently as last year. Now it just infuriates him, like everything else the idiot says and does.

“Back in high school. When she had a crush on me. You remember right?”

Boyd looks back out of the window. “Well, young girls are very impressionable.”

“That they are.” He agrees pleasantly. “Yet not impressionable enough to chase after you though.”

Raylan doesn’t know why Boyd brings out this side of him. The petty point-scoring side.

“She also said she wonders what could have been if I hadn’t ended things those few years ago.”

He sees Boyd clench up and gets some quiet satisfaction from it. Enough to make him drop his guard a bit.

“Another curious thing, she said she wonders what would have happened if I had asked her to leave with her, the first time I left Harlan.”

And Raylan knows immediately that he has said too much. Boyd looks at him fully then with raised eyebrows.

“You weren’t together then if I recall.” Boyd says.

“We weren’t. But I guess she’s got to wondering about the different way her life could have gone, and started imagining things that were never there.”

They are both silent.

“Does she know who you did ask?”

Raylan says nothing and instead grinds his jaw. They are nearing Lexington now and once he drops Boyd off at the hospital he knows that he will be pulled from the case. He is planning on leaving for Florida almost immediately.

“I  always did wonder why you never came.”

Boyd keeps staring out of the window, says nothing until they pull up to the entrance. And as a parting fuck-you asks,

“What on earth would you have done if I had?”

+++++++++++

How do you tell someone about an unspoken possibility? He remembers Art asking him a few years back if “we dug coal together” was a hillbilly euphemism for something else. Raylan had laughed but had tried to explain it. About how each time you go down a mine you entrust your life to the people you’re with. That long-ago unreserved trust you put in someone doesn’t just disappear. Mix that with being nineteen and you get something. Some kind of loyalty to that trust.

Art had kind of grunted but seemed to get it.

“Is that why you can’t seem to kill Boyd?”

He had told him that contrary to what he thought, he didn’t just go around killing people. He did still believe in the rule of law.

Art had teased him about being sentimental but left it at that. That was when he still viewed Boyd as a nuisance, not the threat he is now. He doesn’t like to think about all the chances he has given to Boyd and less about the motivations behind them.

When he had decided to leave Harlan he and Boyd were drinking acquaintances. There was something about Boyd even then, that had gotten him to be truthful more often than not. The thought of taking off on his own had scared him a little. He thought it could be fun to have a buddy to travel with. And even though he wouldn’t describe Boyd as a buddy, he was something. And he knew he hated his situation as much as him. When he had worked up the courage to ask Boyd, casual-like, as if the thought had just occurred to him, Boyd had simply shook his head and said, “I don’t think so Raylan.” More than his negative answer, it had bothered Raylan that he had had to work himself up to ask Boyd in the first place. Like it was something more important than asking a buddy along for the ride.

Years later in Miami one time, he was waiting by the curb, couldn’t recall for what, but had seen two men facing each other, smiling and talking. One had cracked a joke and pulled the other one in towards him by his shirt collar. They had kissed, smiles still in place, flirty and full of love at the same time. Raylan couldn’t look away. He had never thought about a man like that, was pretty heterosexual as far as he could tell but in that instant his mind leapt to Boyd. And it was a germ of something that he sometimes wondered about, when he was drunk and alone.

“What on earth would you have done if I had?”

It keeps playing on a loop in his head. Fuck Boyd always getting the last word in. He didn’t know what bothered him most in that sentence. The gentle mocking that Raylan didn’t know his own intentions, or the fact that Boyd had assumed it had never been a serious request from Raylan in the first place.

+++++++++++++++

He kept tabs on Boyd when he was in prison. After the visit to impart the lie about Ava he had kept a wandering eye over his file. Still preaching and staying out of trouble. But Raylan knows that counts for shit where Boyd’s concerned. He’s not sure that Boyd knows himself what is true anymore. He hears they are transferring him to another facility – as he’d been such a positive influence and behaved so well. Raylan resisted the urge to snort but he couldn’t control his smile. And that was what had always fucked him up with Boyd, the ever-present need and hope for him to change his ways. And him always living down to expectations.

He pulls some strings and gets himself assigned to doing the transfer - not entirely sure why but telling himself it’s to check on him - to check his state of mind - see where his head’s at and whether he presents any kind of danger anymore.

He signs some papers, waiting for Boyd to emerge. He looks up as he’s being led cuffed out of the room and takes quiet satisfaction in his shock and then obvious happiness.

“Raylan Givens. You are a sight for sore eyes.”

Raylan rolls his eyes but leads him out of the door into the bright sunshine. Boyd is still looking at him in wonder.

“Quit staring or I’ll go.”

“I just don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this bit of good fortune.”

“Let’s just say that I want to find out whether your conversion number two is the real deal.”

“It is Raylan, but I don’t think you will ever be convinced.”

They’ve been driving for half an hour and Boyd hasn’t said anything.

“You know, worse than your constant dictionary vomiting is the sound of your silence. Say something.”

“Just taking in the view. And between us Raylan, there is so much better left unsaid.”

Raylan shakes his head in annoyance which seems to amuse Boyd.

“You seeing anyone in Miami?” Boyd asks

“You’re asking about my dating life?”

Boyd merely raises his eyebrows in affirmation.

“Here and there. Winona and I split up again, for good this time.”

“I thought so.”

“Relationship expert are you?”

“No, just that she was never the right person for you,” Boyd says, with such certainty, as if imparting a universal truth.

And just like that Raylan is pissed. He grips the steering wheel a little tighter. Who the fuck does Boyd think he is?

“I forgot that you know everything.” He says, scornful.

“Not at all Raylan. Just a small amount about you maybe.”

“Do you even know what is real and not when you speak anymore? Or is everything wordplay for you? Oh, and just so we’re clear, you know shit about me Boyd. I know you like to think you know me better than others but you really don’t.”

Boyd is silent after his outburst before speaking calmly in that bullshit Yoda way of his.

“There are a few true things I do know Raylan – the way I tried to stop feeling what I felt when you looked at me a certain way. The way you stood at the mouth of the mine, shoulders hunched, hands in pockets waiting for me. The way your continuing unending judgement of me wears me the fuck down.”

He pauses, as if collecting his thoughts before finishing,  “our lives are just one endless possibility never taken.”

“We took plenty of action in our lives to get to where we are now,” Raylan replies quickly but his heart is hammering in his chest. Did Boyd say what he just think he said?

“That we did Raylan.”

They drive on in near silence. From the corner of his eye Raylan can see that Boyd is avoiding looking at him. Raylan heart is still thumping. He has spent so long doubting himself, that he is now doubting that he heard Boyd right. Or maybe Boyd was just talking the way he was prone to do. Saying something and nothing at all. He glances over at Boyd, who is still ignoring him. Fuck this shit he thinks and pulls over to the side of the road. Boyd looks at him startled. Raylan whips his phone and out and steps out of the car. He’s good at getting his way when he wants to and he informs the receiving prison that he will be delivering Boyd tomorrow morning - makes up some bullshit which they seem to buy and gets back in the car.

“What the fuck Raylan?” Boyd asks, finally like his old self, the calmness gone and Raylan is pleased. Although he has no idea why.

“Let’s find a bar and let’s talk. Finally settle some shit.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not really. I can’t force you to, but seeing as it _is_ you I don’t think talking will be a problem.”

++++++++++++++

They are half way into a bottle of whiskey. Raylan doesn’t drink like this anymore so he’s feeling more drunk than he has in years. Boyd has been talking about his preaching in prison, about some guy who finally saw the light, something about a gate and a lock, but honestly Raylan is barely listening. He wonders how much whiskey he will need to bring up what Boyd said in the car.

He holds up his hands to stop Boyd talking. “I’ve had just about enough of the Good Lord for now.”

“Well, Raylan, I think you are one soul that could definitely use some saving. I’m ready to help my friend. Always.” Boyd says in that solemn way of his that Raylan pisses off and fascinates him at the same time.

“Duly noted.” He replies equally serious but his face shows what he thinks about that suggestion.

“So what about your sex life then? You were mighty curious about Winona and me - I think it’s fair that you spill as well.”

Boyd leans close and says in that mocking way of his, “Well Raylan, since I’m in prison and all, its pretty non-existent. What do you think?”

“So you don’t partake in …”

And now Boyd throws his head back and roars with laughter. “Raylan Givens. Is that the best you could come up with to ask whether I have an interest in men? God forbid you just come out and say whatever it is on your mind.”

Raylan is too drunk to care about Boyd laughing at him. “In the car, you said some stuff. I think I misunderstood.”

“You didn’t.” Boyd replies almost immediately.

“You don’t even know what I was thinking,” Raylan snaps, annoyed again.

“Raylan - as much as you might wish it weren’t so, most of the time I know what exactly what you are thinking.”

Raylan looks at the wall behind Boyd’s head. What the fuck is he doing here in a bar getting drunk with Boyd? Never mind the fact that he is a criminal he is supposed to be safely transporting to another penitentiary centre. What was it that Boyd had said - between us things are better left unsaid - well ain’t that the truth Raylan thinks now. But still wants to finish this.

“Boyd. When we were younger.” He pauses, not knowing how to proceed, what words to say and give to thoughts and theories he has never consciously acknowledged.

“Yes. And not just when we were younger.” Boyd answers, thinking he can read his damn mind again which of course he fucking can. Raylan looks at him, more pissed at his interruption than what he has finally admitted.

“What? You gonna ask for a conjugal visit?” Boyd teases, enjoying himself.

“Goddamn Boyd. This is like a bad country song.” But he’s pissed at Boyd, for being so at ease, even in this situation, for being so Boyd.

“Oh I think it would be a pretty damn good song don’t you think?” Boyd says and he looks so relaxed, his face lit up. Raylan doesn’t understand how this can be. He takes a sip of his whiskey, trying for a calm he doesn’t feel.

“So you swing that way then?” he asks, in what he hopes is a bored voice.

“What way would that be Raylan? I have only ever been with and desired women if that’s what you’re asking. But at points in my life, you were the exception to that rule. And I know how much you like to be the exception to any rule. Not sure what it means though, if anything. It’s too late to find out now anyhow.”

Boyd blows out a deep breath and looks up heavenward surprised. “You know, I can’t believe I actually said that. I always thought I might be imagining it.”

And Boyd at last displaying a chink in his overwhelming self-confidence finally disarms Raylan,

“I know that feeling,” he says and Boyd stares at him. He forces himself to go on, “ on occasion I used to wonder. I thought it was normal, just being curious. But the thing was, I only ever used to wonder about you.”

Boyd leans back and closes his eyes. “I’ll tell you what Raylan - we’ve got some damn fine timing.”

++++++++++++++

Boyd is sleeping on the bed, fully clothed and snoring softly. Raylan is in the armchair watching him, drifting in and out of sleep. He has his gun within easy reach, and Boyd is handcuffed with one hand to a railing on the bed. Even now, he wouldn’t trust Boyd as far as he could throw him.

It’s a two hour drive to the facility that Boyd is going to call his new home. It’s slightly nicer but prison is prison. He thinks he probably won’t see Boyd again after this and doesn’t quite know how that makes him feel.

+++++++++++++++

Boyd wakes up to find Raylan watching him, slouched down on the chair, hat low on his brow. That he is such a cliche yet still able to pull it off is testament to something, although Boyd’s not sure to what. He stretches his arms out and yawns before asking Raylan if he wants to snuggle, just to get a rise out of him, and Raylan obliges of course by flinging a notebook at his head.

“Get up asshole. We’re late - we need to be on the road in 10 mins,” Raylan says but without the meanness that he’s grown accustomed to.

“I am chained to the bed Raylan, in case it slipped your attention. A position I am sure you have wanted me in on many occasions,” he dodges a shoe this time.

Raylan comes over to unlock the handcuff muttering about how he preferred it when Boyd used to joke about killing him, although Boyd can’t recall doing that too much, thinks it was more the other way around.

They are back in the car, and Boyd thinks this is the calmest he has felt in Raylan’s presence. At nineteen he didn’t know what the fuck he was feeling. He only knew it was wrong and never going to happen. When Raylan returned to Kentucky there were moments when he felt that same slow attraction but that disappeared by the end. That last year, he hated Raylan almost as much as he knew Raylan hated him. And that is a difficult thing to come back from Boyd is discovering.  He can’t get back to nineteen, or to forty or even forty one. He is stuck here.

They listen to the radio mostly on the drive to the prison. To some obnoxious talk show host ranting about the government. Boyd wonders whether he used to sound like that when he had his church, the first time around. He likes to think he preached hatred with a little more finesse. But he is ashamed of it nonetheless.

“Sounds like you - before conversion number one.” Raylan says, reading his mind. Which he is prone to do, although Boyd never lets him see that he does.

“And what do I sound like now Raylan?”

“Damned if I know,” he answers, weary.

They spend the rest of the ride in silence, exchanging looks every now and then on what is being shouted through the radio. When they arrive, Raylan turns the engine off and sits there awhile.

“This is you.” He finally says, unbuckling his seatbelt.

“It’s been enlightening as always Raylan.” Boyd says looking over at him with a smile and Raylan can’t help crack a smirk that comes out just the right side of a smile. He leans his head back and laughs, and if there is a better sound to Boyd’s ears just now he doesn’t know what it is.

+++++++++

Later, in his cell he thinks over the last day. He thinks about what it must have taken for Raylan to finally articulate what he was thinking. When Boyd had said what he had in the car, he had never imagined Raylan would go there. Boyd had mostly done it to piss Raylan off, but for him to then take it seriously and want to talk about his feelings. Well shit, Boyd thinks. Ain’t that a thing.

“But I only ever used to wonder about you.” Boyd thinks it might be the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to him.

+++++++

Three months pass before he sees Raylan again. He is not surprised that Raylan is back. Their business is perpetually unfinished. He is led to an interrogation room in the prison where he finds Raylan waiting for him, leaning against the desk. Raylan speaks to the guard and asks him to turn off the cameras. The guard smirks at Boyd on the way out, assuming he’s going to get a beating. And honestly, Boyd can’t be sure that he’s not.

Raylan takes his hat off and places it on the table behind him. He sees the fear in Raylan’s eyes, but there is also something else. Something he’s never seen there before and Boyd starts to lose his nerve. Wants to cut the tension with a smart-ass comment. His hands are cuffed around his front and he walks warily towards Raylan who hasn’t moved. He stops in front of him and lifts his eyebrow.

“Looking good Raylan,” he says, smiling slowly, “looking like a lawman.”

Raylan grins, the tension leaving his face and before Boyd can say anything else Raylan grabs him, pulling him closer and kisses him. It’s a first kiss that feels more like a last kiss. Boyd grabs a handful of Raylan’s shirt, as much as his cuffed hands will allow and tastes Raylan. It’s nothing like he’s imagined, it’s messy and desperate and never to be forgotten. Raylan finally lets him go, his eyes wide and searching.

Boyd steps backwards, never breaking eye contact.

“I just wanted to see what it would be like,” Raylan finally says.

“And?”

“I don’t know Boyd. I don’t know.”

He stands there, quiet for a while. “We can never go back Raylan. Ain’t no use wishing for it or even thinking about it. But I am grateful you came back here, even for a little while.”

Raylan pushes himself off the desk and puts his hat back on.

“I’ll be keeping an eye on you Boyd. Keep to this version of yourself. I think’s it’s the best one so far.”

“I don’t know what the Good Lord has in store for me Raylan. But it sure is nice to hear you say that.”

He tips his hat at Boyd with one last look and is gone.


End file.
